Today is a very difficult day for me. For the last few years I have not been able to write anything but a brief note of remembrance. In 2010 my wife and I entered parenthood in one of the most difficult ways. J's water broke early and we delivered our son JDM on Valentines Day, he did not survive. Getting to meet him for a brief moment was a true blessing, but it was the hardest thing I have ever done. This has been the most difficult and evolving day over the last several years. While I am saddened at what could have been for my boy, we have been given two absolutely beautiful children since that day. Each year we are removed form JDM's birthday, the pain is a little less, never gone but less.
I know we should not feel guilty about celebrating with our kids. It was fun to drop Valentines in bags for other kids at daycare this morning. CG even got a special Valentine from her friend, the same kid she made a special one for. This relationship will be cause for writing in 13 years I'm sure. I guess I am learning the transition from the straight grief I have experienced, to a better balanced state of celebrating with my kids, and remembering our first. I do pray every single day for JDM with his brother and sister. They don't understand who he is yet, but they know he's always in the family prayers.
Like the heart tree above, my heart is blessed to have many pieces that fill up my life. One piece was just a little smaller, just a little less tangible than the others. I will never let go of the experience JDM gave me. I will never stop loving and praying for him. I will make sure that C&C always know how much I love them and appreciate the opportunity to be their father. One day I'll meet JDM, and we'll be able to chat about all the thing we missed out on together. I the meantime, I will celebrate what I have in the best way I know.
Just Breathe by Pearl Jam