Dearest Joseph,
As your Mother and I approach your sibling’s birth, my thoughts often tend in your direction. We are doing so many things we were never able to do for you. I have built a crib, built shelves and bought some take home outfits for both a boy and girl. I wanted to do all these things for you. I guess that is the reason I have wanted to write you this letter, it is an apology of sorts. I never will forget holding you in my hands. Never. You hold such a special place in my heart, I cannot truly put down the feelings to words. What I want you to know is, no matter what we lavish upon our new baby, no matter how the child gets loved, no matter if the Grandparents spoil, no matter what we teach this child, our hearts will always remember you. You gave us the special understanding of how precious it can be to have pregnancy. Without you, we could not have been the people we are today. I feel like in some way we are betraying you. Like this should have all been for you, but I know this is my human emotion taking over. You will always be our little Angel, hopefully looking out for, and being a Guardian Angel for your soon to be brother or sister. You Mother has spent almost two years on this journey, and she could use a Guardian Angel like you to get her through the next two months too. I really missed you on opening day for the Indians; this is certainly something we would have done together. I read an article in the paper that day; it was about how opening day is bout family, not about the teams. Opening day is about the memories of family heading out to the game, heading out to have a hot dog and a pop together. Opening day represents the end of a long winter, and the eternal promise of spring. Your Mother and I are heading to our opening day, our moment when we can finally turn our backs on this long wither, and look forward to the warmth and promise of better days. Just know, this season change in our lives does not, and will never, include turning from you. Only with the memory and love we have for you are we strong enough to move forward. Only with the grace that God have given us (yes, through all this, it is still with His Grace), we are able to be as strong as we can be, and allow ourselves to be in love with this new baby. Only with the utmost love for you, are we able to see our new light. Thank you for giving us all your little body could give us. I will respect your strength and suffering by trying to be the best Father I can be. And maybe if you have the time, you can sit upon my shoulder from time to time, and be a Guardian Angel just for me.
Love,
Dad
Monday, April 25, 2011
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Two Boxes
What a difference a day makes. Monday January 3, I was happily employed, enjoying a well deserved day off with my wife. We caught a movie, Happy Potter 7 (Pt 1), and went to Home Depot to look at some models of commodes for the upstairs bathroom. We discovered a leak below the bathroom and knew we wanted a new seat anyway. I had just wrapped up the most successful year at my job, and worked right through the holiday to deliver the results. In general, this day was great for us to be together, talk about changes in life with the baby coming, and spend some time with just us.
Tuesday, I woke up refreshed and ready to hit the ground running at work. After all, I had a busy 2011 planned and really wanted to make an impact at work. Walked in the office early, as usual, and noticed all our directors in the conference room...not a normal sight. Actually, an almost never seen before sight...worry set in. I thought, OK if they're making changes, maybe this can work out for the best, stay positive. I turned the corner to walk toward my cube, and blammo, the next strike, a co-worker had his office closed with two empty boxes outside the door. The walls closed in a bit. I shed the winter coat, and turned around and there was a director asking if I had a minute. What if I said no, that thought came and went in a flash, and then the hammer dropped. Office closed, life changes in the exchange of two boxes.
The first thought that crossed my mind was how to call my lovely wife with this news. She was carrying our baby, and the last thing I wanted to do was stress her out. I collected myself, dialed her number and... voice mail. Crud, can't leave this news on a voice mail. She was now my only priority and I had to be gentle. I left a message something to the effect of "Hey honey, give my a call, it's important." I started removing reflections of myself from the cube...pictures, quotes, motivational items, fortune cookie messages, a dollar bill from a friendly bet with a coworker...now former coworker. Former, that really isn't settling in at this point. I packed a few more random things, pens that were mine, calculator, just junk. I couldn't wait and called the wife back and she answered. What a humbling moment for me. Whether society has programmed it or not, I felt like I was letting my wife and future child down. The wife was kind and gentle and hurt for me, she is such a sweet person. I know I told her, her and the baby were #1 priority, and I would land on my feet somewhere, somehow. The HR director was as kind as he could be, and helped me carry my two boxes.
Immediately after, I met for coffee with some former coworkers and we talked about what just happened to us. The rest of the day I can't remember one thing I did. It's a difficult moment to try to justify what happened, not personalize being cut and make sense of it all. It took a few days, and may still be underway, but I'm not sure there is sense to be made. I do know that after the twelve months the wife and I had, I wasn't about to make this into more than it was. I have a child on the way, and a world full of opportunity in front of me. I'm doing my best to take a deep breath, and in the immortal works of Douglas Adams, Don't Panic!
Anger, fear, embarrassment, jealousy, bitterness and resentment are emotions that can fill up a person in this world. Events like a layoff can sow the seeds of these emotions in the proverbial boxes were carry from place to place, and job to job. I will chose positivity, humor and love to fill my boxes. Even if I only get my two boxes to fill in this world, mine will overflow.
Tuesday, I woke up refreshed and ready to hit the ground running at work. After all, I had a busy 2011 planned and really wanted to make an impact at work. Walked in the office early, as usual, and noticed all our directors in the conference room...not a normal sight. Actually, an almost never seen before sight...worry set in. I thought, OK if they're making changes, maybe this can work out for the best, stay positive. I turned the corner to walk toward my cube, and blammo, the next strike, a co-worker had his office closed with two empty boxes outside the door. The walls closed in a bit. I shed the winter coat, and turned around and there was a director asking if I had a minute. What if I said no, that thought came and went in a flash, and then the hammer dropped. Office closed, life changes in the exchange of two boxes.
The first thought that crossed my mind was how to call my lovely wife with this news. She was carrying our baby, and the last thing I wanted to do was stress her out. I collected myself, dialed her number and... voice mail. Crud, can't leave this news on a voice mail. She was now my only priority and I had to be gentle. I left a message something to the effect of "Hey honey, give my a call, it's important." I started removing reflections of myself from the cube...pictures, quotes, motivational items, fortune cookie messages, a dollar bill from a friendly bet with a coworker...now former coworker. Former, that really isn't settling in at this point. I packed a few more random things, pens that were mine, calculator, just junk. I couldn't wait and called the wife back and she answered. What a humbling moment for me. Whether society has programmed it or not, I felt like I was letting my wife and future child down. The wife was kind and gentle and hurt for me, she is such a sweet person. I know I told her, her and the baby were #1 priority, and I would land on my feet somewhere, somehow. The HR director was as kind as he could be, and helped me carry my two boxes.
Immediately after, I met for coffee with some former coworkers and we talked about what just happened to us. The rest of the day I can't remember one thing I did. It's a difficult moment to try to justify what happened, not personalize being cut and make sense of it all. It took a few days, and may still be underway, but I'm not sure there is sense to be made. I do know that after the twelve months the wife and I had, I wasn't about to make this into more than it was. I have a child on the way, and a world full of opportunity in front of me. I'm doing my best to take a deep breath, and in the immortal works of Douglas Adams, Don't Panic!
Anger, fear, embarrassment, jealousy, bitterness and resentment are emotions that can fill up a person in this world. Events like a layoff can sow the seeds of these emotions in the proverbial boxes were carry from place to place, and job to job. I will chose positivity, humor and love to fill my boxes. Even if I only get my two boxes to fill in this world, mine will overflow.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Life Changed, Update Soon
Sorry, mostly to myself (my lead reader), that I haven't written much lately. I had a major life change a couple weeks ago, and really couldn't focus enough to blog. Suffice it to say a lot of great, funny, and reality altering things have happened recently. I will compile my stories and blog on them very soon.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Bleach & Leaky Doors
I've begun to think that winter is not a season as much as a foul temptress. She looks so pretty, and is fun to play in...but her underbelly is water. Water is the universal solvent, and no matter how much I have prepared my house, water always seems to say hi.
Bleach is another strong solvent, it wipes away dirt, mildew and other icky stuff. It's funny to think how pissy I was about doing some cleaning tonight, but the reasons are so important. I'm going through my own bleaching right now. I'm looking at the tub of my soul, and scrubbing away what isn't good for me. It starts with the mind. Once my mind is set, I normally tend to be rather focused. This time around I have some great reasons to focus on being the best I can, but it's been hard to get out the bleach so to say.
I'm getting there, and good mind & body are like water working its way through a door jamb, you can try to stop it, but it will get through. I can see the drops of my re-focusing dripping in my habits. I just need to not be afraid to commit enough to let them flow.
Bleach is another strong solvent, it wipes away dirt, mildew and other icky stuff. It's funny to think how pissy I was about doing some cleaning tonight, but the reasons are so important. I'm going through my own bleaching right now. I'm looking at the tub of my soul, and scrubbing away what isn't good for me. It starts with the mind. Once my mind is set, I normally tend to be rather focused. This time around I have some great reasons to focus on being the best I can, but it's been hard to get out the bleach so to say.
I'm getting there, and good mind & body are like water working its way through a door jamb, you can try to stop it, but it will get through. I can see the drops of my re-focusing dripping in my habits. I just need to not be afraid to commit enough to let them flow.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Not much
Tonight I haven't that much to say. I am up too late, and need to get my sleeping habits in line so I have more energy during the day. Note to self, don't start software updates at 11 PM.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Dash to the new year
Had a great weekend away with family. Nine of us rented a house at Deep Creek Lake, Maryland, and spent 5 days relaxing, laughing, enjoying the outdoors and reflecting. This was the mini-break I needed before the rush of the next month occurs.
Lot's to get done with both work and family, but I need to maintain the focus in the right areas at the right times. I have never had so much pressure and scrutiny as I will face at work closing out the year, but there are truly much more important things to worry about. Family and health are just two easy ones that pop to mind. That's not to say I won't tighten focus and deliver at work, but I will do it with the right attitude and mindset.
I'm also looking forward to the primordial ooze of health crawling back out of the depths of the bog and growing some legs. I really enjoyed the two hikes I took over the weekend. The one with the family was fun, I really enjoyed my nephews awe at some outdoors sights. But, I enjoyed my solo hike the most. I miss the solitude and peace of mind a walk, run or hike can give me. Not sure why I find the peace of being alone for a brief time so comforting. The soundtrack for my hike was new and perfect for a wintry walk. Bohren & der Club of Gore's Sunset Mission was just a great companion on the walk. Not sure how a contemporary German ambient jazz band found its way into my walk, but it worked.
As I start the dash on Monday, I need to remember my weekend and walk for some reason and inspiration. I want to finish 2010 strong on all fronts, and roll into a great new year.
Lot's to get done with both work and family, but I need to maintain the focus in the right areas at the right times. I have never had so much pressure and scrutiny as I will face at work closing out the year, but there are truly much more important things to worry about. Family and health are just two easy ones that pop to mind. That's not to say I won't tighten focus and deliver at work, but I will do it with the right attitude and mindset.
I'm also looking forward to the primordial ooze of health crawling back out of the depths of the bog and growing some legs. I really enjoyed the two hikes I took over the weekend. The one with the family was fun, I really enjoyed my nephews awe at some outdoors sights. But, I enjoyed my solo hike the most. I miss the solitude and peace of mind a walk, run or hike can give me. Not sure why I find the peace of being alone for a brief time so comforting. The soundtrack for my hike was new and perfect for a wintry walk. Bohren & der Club of Gore's Sunset Mission was just a great companion on the walk. Not sure how a contemporary German ambient jazz band found its way into my walk, but it worked.
As I start the dash on Monday, I need to remember my weekend and walk for some reason and inspiration. I want to finish 2010 strong on all fronts, and roll into a great new year.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)