I can't help but write about the excitement I feel right now. In 12 days or so, my wife and I will have our baby, God willing. The sheer joy I felt on my drive in to work this morning was exhilarating. One note that crossed my mind is maintaining the joy. I know the baby will be a lot of work, and a lot of frustration. I just want to make sure I remember moments like now, a few weeks after the baby. I have no shortage of love for this kid, but I know the day to day of a first baby will be tough.
The wife and I often take a team approach to difficult things. Committing to talk first and be open about feeling so we don't get frustrated with each other. This will definitely come in to play with the baby. I'm not naive enough to think we can avoid some of the common trappings, but we should be able to give this baby our all, and become closer as a result!
Friday, June 17, 2011
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Pictures
This past weekend was spent learning about things I knew very little about. My wife & I spent half the day Saturday in a breastfeeding class, and all day Sunday in a Lamaze/Child Birth class. In the middle of these classes we had baby shower. What a wonderful weekend of preparing for and celebrating the upcoming birth of our child. We still don’t know the sex, and will wait until this one comes down the chute to find out. I have to admit that my nerves are not relaxing as we approach the delivery date, but the nervousness is mixed in with joy and unbridled excitement. I cannot wait to meet this little one and pour every ounce of love upon the baby. I have visions of baby pictures, sleeping with baby on my shoulder, a cute picture with baby and our dog Ruby, all sorts of funny faces and pictures of baby resting on Mom’s chest. These will be our journal of the child’s life, great accompaniment to the memories we will cherish for this kid. All the worries seem to fade away when you just know you will do whatever it takes to take care of your child. Whatever parenting skills I don’t have, or knowledge I do not possess today, I know I will never stop going the extra mile. I do not believe these feeling to be unique to me either, I’m sure most conscientious parents do everything possible for their children.
Yesterday, I saw all of these memories for the child of a coworker. The pictures and videos we all want were on display on memory boards in a funeral home. I am at a new job, two months in, and a coworker I work with lost a daughter. His 14 year old daughter took her own life. I will not expand on any details of the reasoning in the young girls mind, for I did not know her, but the parenting aspect is difficult. As I waited in line at the calling hours, for over an hour to just get in, I witnessed such sadness. The faces of classmates, friends and family members were wrought with sadness. Picture after picture showed such a happy baby, young child and teenager. Beautiful family pictures, pictures of this girl at sports events, charity work, always such a pretty smile on. All the pictures I cannot wait to take for my child were on display throughout the hallways. I was overwhelmed with sadness. Leaving the why out of the equation, which will always be a question the family seeks an answer for, the how questions came to mind. How does a parent ever handle this? How do friends get over this loss? What can I do as a parent to prevent this sort of awful event from happening? Is there a way to avoid this from happening? I’m certain this girl was given all the love she could has been given by her family. The love was evident in all the memories on display, and on the faces of her Mom, Dad and older brother. They had the calling hours as a casual event, since that’s what she would want. Her casket was surrounded by soccer balls, a keepers jersey, band instruments, student of the month signs…everything. How does a parent notice any signs of this outcome in a child who seemingly lived a very full, happy American life? I normally do not like to pose question after question, but I have nothing but questions.
I’m sure the parents of this girl, sat in baby classes like my wife and I did this weekend. I’m sure they had wonderful generous gifts at baby showers from loving family and friends. I’m sure the parents promised to always take care of their baby, like we have. I just don’t have any answers for the outcome for this family. I’m certain they will never get over the loss, but instead just learn to live through the pain and memories. The only thing I can conclude is to treat each day as if it might be the last time you see a loved one. Treat each moment not like a picture opportunity, but as an opportunity to let those who you love know you love them. Don’t take time for granted. We have had this baby with us in utero for 34 weeks now, and I have loved the baby more every day. I want to be a good father, and know it will be work to earn that title, but I hope this experience will help me during times to come.
Yesterday, I saw all of these memories for the child of a coworker. The pictures and videos we all want were on display on memory boards in a funeral home. I am at a new job, two months in, and a coworker I work with lost a daughter. His 14 year old daughter took her own life. I will not expand on any details of the reasoning in the young girls mind, for I did not know her, but the parenting aspect is difficult. As I waited in line at the calling hours, for over an hour to just get in, I witnessed such sadness. The faces of classmates, friends and family members were wrought with sadness. Picture after picture showed such a happy baby, young child and teenager. Beautiful family pictures, pictures of this girl at sports events, charity work, always such a pretty smile on. All the pictures I cannot wait to take for my child were on display throughout the hallways. I was overwhelmed with sadness. Leaving the why out of the equation, which will always be a question the family seeks an answer for, the how questions came to mind. How does a parent ever handle this? How do friends get over this loss? What can I do as a parent to prevent this sort of awful event from happening? Is there a way to avoid this from happening? I’m certain this girl was given all the love she could has been given by her family. The love was evident in all the memories on display, and on the faces of her Mom, Dad and older brother. They had the calling hours as a casual event, since that’s what she would want. Her casket was surrounded by soccer balls, a keepers jersey, band instruments, student of the month signs…everything. How does a parent notice any signs of this outcome in a child who seemingly lived a very full, happy American life? I normally do not like to pose question after question, but I have nothing but questions.
I’m sure the parents of this girl, sat in baby classes like my wife and I did this weekend. I’m sure they had wonderful generous gifts at baby showers from loving family and friends. I’m sure the parents promised to always take care of their baby, like we have. I just don’t have any answers for the outcome for this family. I’m certain they will never get over the loss, but instead just learn to live through the pain and memories. The only thing I can conclude is to treat each day as if it might be the last time you see a loved one. Treat each moment not like a picture opportunity, but as an opportunity to let those who you love know you love them. Don’t take time for granted. We have had this baby with us in utero for 34 weeks now, and I have loved the baby more every day. I want to be a good father, and know it will be work to earn that title, but I hope this experience will help me during times to come.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Dear Joe
Dearest Joseph,
As your Mother and I approach your sibling’s birth, my thoughts often tend in your direction. We are doing so many things we were never able to do for you. I have built a crib, built shelves and bought some take home outfits for both a boy and girl. I wanted to do all these things for you. I guess that is the reason I have wanted to write you this letter, it is an apology of sorts. I never will forget holding you in my hands. Never. You hold such a special place in my heart, I cannot truly put down the feelings to words. What I want you to know is, no matter what we lavish upon our new baby, no matter how the child gets loved, no matter if the Grandparents spoil, no matter what we teach this child, our hearts will always remember you. You gave us the special understanding of how precious it can be to have pregnancy. Without you, we could not have been the people we are today. I feel like in some way we are betraying you. Like this should have all been for you, but I know this is my human emotion taking over. You will always be our little Angel, hopefully looking out for, and being a Guardian Angel for your soon to be brother or sister. You Mother has spent almost two years on this journey, and she could use a Guardian Angel like you to get her through the next two months too. I really missed you on opening day for the Indians; this is certainly something we would have done together. I read an article in the paper that day; it was about how opening day is bout family, not about the teams. Opening day is about the memories of family heading out to the game, heading out to have a hot dog and a pop together. Opening day represents the end of a long winter, and the eternal promise of spring. Your Mother and I are heading to our opening day, our moment when we can finally turn our backs on this long wither, and look forward to the warmth and promise of better days. Just know, this season change in our lives does not, and will never, include turning from you. Only with the memory and love we have for you are we strong enough to move forward. Only with the grace that God have given us (yes, through all this, it is still with His Grace), we are able to be as strong as we can be, and allow ourselves to be in love with this new baby. Only with the utmost love for you, are we able to see our new light. Thank you for giving us all your little body could give us. I will respect your strength and suffering by trying to be the best Father I can be. And maybe if you have the time, you can sit upon my shoulder from time to time, and be a Guardian Angel just for me.
Love,
Dad
As your Mother and I approach your sibling’s birth, my thoughts often tend in your direction. We are doing so many things we were never able to do for you. I have built a crib, built shelves and bought some take home outfits for both a boy and girl. I wanted to do all these things for you. I guess that is the reason I have wanted to write you this letter, it is an apology of sorts. I never will forget holding you in my hands. Never. You hold such a special place in my heart, I cannot truly put down the feelings to words. What I want you to know is, no matter what we lavish upon our new baby, no matter how the child gets loved, no matter if the Grandparents spoil, no matter what we teach this child, our hearts will always remember you. You gave us the special understanding of how precious it can be to have pregnancy. Without you, we could not have been the people we are today. I feel like in some way we are betraying you. Like this should have all been for you, but I know this is my human emotion taking over. You will always be our little Angel, hopefully looking out for, and being a Guardian Angel for your soon to be brother or sister. You Mother has spent almost two years on this journey, and she could use a Guardian Angel like you to get her through the next two months too. I really missed you on opening day for the Indians; this is certainly something we would have done together. I read an article in the paper that day; it was about how opening day is bout family, not about the teams. Opening day is about the memories of family heading out to the game, heading out to have a hot dog and a pop together. Opening day represents the end of a long winter, and the eternal promise of spring. Your Mother and I are heading to our opening day, our moment when we can finally turn our backs on this long wither, and look forward to the warmth and promise of better days. Just know, this season change in our lives does not, and will never, include turning from you. Only with the memory and love we have for you are we strong enough to move forward. Only with the grace that God have given us (yes, through all this, it is still with His Grace), we are able to be as strong as we can be, and allow ourselves to be in love with this new baby. Only with the utmost love for you, are we able to see our new light. Thank you for giving us all your little body could give us. I will respect your strength and suffering by trying to be the best Father I can be. And maybe if you have the time, you can sit upon my shoulder from time to time, and be a Guardian Angel just for me.
Love,
Dad
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Two Boxes
What a difference a day makes. Monday January 3, I was happily employed, enjoying a well deserved day off with my wife. We caught a movie, Happy Potter 7 (Pt 1), and went to Home Depot to look at some models of commodes for the upstairs bathroom. We discovered a leak below the bathroom and knew we wanted a new seat anyway. I had just wrapped up the most successful year at my job, and worked right through the holiday to deliver the results. In general, this day was great for us to be together, talk about changes in life with the baby coming, and spend some time with just us.
Tuesday, I woke up refreshed and ready to hit the ground running at work. After all, I had a busy 2011 planned and really wanted to make an impact at work. Walked in the office early, as usual, and noticed all our directors in the conference room...not a normal sight. Actually, an almost never seen before sight...worry set in. I thought, OK if they're making changes, maybe this can work out for the best, stay positive. I turned the corner to walk toward my cube, and blammo, the next strike, a co-worker had his office closed with two empty boxes outside the door. The walls closed in a bit. I shed the winter coat, and turned around and there was a director asking if I had a minute. What if I said no, that thought came and went in a flash, and then the hammer dropped. Office closed, life changes in the exchange of two boxes.
The first thought that crossed my mind was how to call my lovely wife with this news. She was carrying our baby, and the last thing I wanted to do was stress her out. I collected myself, dialed her number and... voice mail. Crud, can't leave this news on a voice mail. She was now my only priority and I had to be gentle. I left a message something to the effect of "Hey honey, give my a call, it's important." I started removing reflections of myself from the cube...pictures, quotes, motivational items, fortune cookie messages, a dollar bill from a friendly bet with a coworker...now former coworker. Former, that really isn't settling in at this point. I packed a few more random things, pens that were mine, calculator, just junk. I couldn't wait and called the wife back and she answered. What a humbling moment for me. Whether society has programmed it or not, I felt like I was letting my wife and future child down. The wife was kind and gentle and hurt for me, she is such a sweet person. I know I told her, her and the baby were #1 priority, and I would land on my feet somewhere, somehow. The HR director was as kind as he could be, and helped me carry my two boxes.
Immediately after, I met for coffee with some former coworkers and we talked about what just happened to us. The rest of the day I can't remember one thing I did. It's a difficult moment to try to justify what happened, not personalize being cut and make sense of it all. It took a few days, and may still be underway, but I'm not sure there is sense to be made. I do know that after the twelve months the wife and I had, I wasn't about to make this into more than it was. I have a child on the way, and a world full of opportunity in front of me. I'm doing my best to take a deep breath, and in the immortal works of Douglas Adams, Don't Panic!
Anger, fear, embarrassment, jealousy, bitterness and resentment are emotions that can fill up a person in this world. Events like a layoff can sow the seeds of these emotions in the proverbial boxes were carry from place to place, and job to job. I will chose positivity, humor and love to fill my boxes. Even if I only get my two boxes to fill in this world, mine will overflow.
Tuesday, I woke up refreshed and ready to hit the ground running at work. After all, I had a busy 2011 planned and really wanted to make an impact at work. Walked in the office early, as usual, and noticed all our directors in the conference room...not a normal sight. Actually, an almost never seen before sight...worry set in. I thought, OK if they're making changes, maybe this can work out for the best, stay positive. I turned the corner to walk toward my cube, and blammo, the next strike, a co-worker had his office closed with two empty boxes outside the door. The walls closed in a bit. I shed the winter coat, and turned around and there was a director asking if I had a minute. What if I said no, that thought came and went in a flash, and then the hammer dropped. Office closed, life changes in the exchange of two boxes.
The first thought that crossed my mind was how to call my lovely wife with this news. She was carrying our baby, and the last thing I wanted to do was stress her out. I collected myself, dialed her number and... voice mail. Crud, can't leave this news on a voice mail. She was now my only priority and I had to be gentle. I left a message something to the effect of "Hey honey, give my a call, it's important." I started removing reflections of myself from the cube...pictures, quotes, motivational items, fortune cookie messages, a dollar bill from a friendly bet with a coworker...now former coworker. Former, that really isn't settling in at this point. I packed a few more random things, pens that were mine, calculator, just junk. I couldn't wait and called the wife back and she answered. What a humbling moment for me. Whether society has programmed it or not, I felt like I was letting my wife and future child down. The wife was kind and gentle and hurt for me, she is such a sweet person. I know I told her, her and the baby were #1 priority, and I would land on my feet somewhere, somehow. The HR director was as kind as he could be, and helped me carry my two boxes.
Immediately after, I met for coffee with some former coworkers and we talked about what just happened to us. The rest of the day I can't remember one thing I did. It's a difficult moment to try to justify what happened, not personalize being cut and make sense of it all. It took a few days, and may still be underway, but I'm not sure there is sense to be made. I do know that after the twelve months the wife and I had, I wasn't about to make this into more than it was. I have a child on the way, and a world full of opportunity in front of me. I'm doing my best to take a deep breath, and in the immortal works of Douglas Adams, Don't Panic!
Anger, fear, embarrassment, jealousy, bitterness and resentment are emotions that can fill up a person in this world. Events like a layoff can sow the seeds of these emotions in the proverbial boxes were carry from place to place, and job to job. I will chose positivity, humor and love to fill my boxes. Even if I only get my two boxes to fill in this world, mine will overflow.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Life Changed, Update Soon
Sorry, mostly to myself (my lead reader), that I haven't written much lately. I had a major life change a couple weeks ago, and really couldn't focus enough to blog. Suffice it to say a lot of great, funny, and reality altering things have happened recently. I will compile my stories and blog on them very soon.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Bleach & Leaky Doors
I've begun to think that winter is not a season as much as a foul temptress. She looks so pretty, and is fun to play in...but her underbelly is water. Water is the universal solvent, and no matter how much I have prepared my house, water always seems to say hi.
Bleach is another strong solvent, it wipes away dirt, mildew and other icky stuff. It's funny to think how pissy I was about doing some cleaning tonight, but the reasons are so important. I'm going through my own bleaching right now. I'm looking at the tub of my soul, and scrubbing away what isn't good for me. It starts with the mind. Once my mind is set, I normally tend to be rather focused. This time around I have some great reasons to focus on being the best I can, but it's been hard to get out the bleach so to say.
I'm getting there, and good mind & body are like water working its way through a door jamb, you can try to stop it, but it will get through. I can see the drops of my re-focusing dripping in my habits. I just need to not be afraid to commit enough to let them flow.
Bleach is another strong solvent, it wipes away dirt, mildew and other icky stuff. It's funny to think how pissy I was about doing some cleaning tonight, but the reasons are so important. I'm going through my own bleaching right now. I'm looking at the tub of my soul, and scrubbing away what isn't good for me. It starts with the mind. Once my mind is set, I normally tend to be rather focused. This time around I have some great reasons to focus on being the best I can, but it's been hard to get out the bleach so to say.
I'm getting there, and good mind & body are like water working its way through a door jamb, you can try to stop it, but it will get through. I can see the drops of my re-focusing dripping in my habits. I just need to not be afraid to commit enough to let them flow.
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