Make me sanguine.
The Avett Brothers have a song called Sanguine. I must admit I had to look the word up the first time I heard the song. There is a poignant excerpt from the beginning of the tune, that resonates with change in your life, and deciding to be the best version of yourself.
Make me sanguine
Help me genuinely
Kill the doubt that strangles myself worth
Paint the picture that I swore I heard
Spiritless and mean
Ghost that comes between
I will keep my wits about myself
Disregard directions sent from hell
When you make changes to yourself, and all that entails, you will have a fight. A fight against doubt, a fight against past experiences, a fight against time, a fight against outside influences, a fight against the unknown. I have had several major changes to myself over the last five years, some of which are documented in this very blog. Recently I have struggled to have the same fire and motivation I mined to chisel out a new self. The daily grind can overwhelm you if you are not looking out for signs of stagnation. I was in one of these river eddies. I hadn't realized that I wasn't looking at the flow of The River, but looking only down in the eddy.
Stepping outside your comfort zone is a big part of keeping fresh and sharp. I really enjoy running, I love the solitude, and thinking time. Running is a time when I can space out, or think through challenges. Over the last several months, I logged a lot of junk miles. Not taking the mental space I needed during the runs, not focusing on pace, tempo, breathing, thinking or anything really, just logging mile for the sake of logging miles. My pace degraded, and I began to have old injuries nag here and there. I knew I needed to shake things up. I just needed the fortitude to pick something new, and move forward. I needed to Go Big, stop worrying about my running, and do something that would re-engage me, put me over the top, fast track my brain and body to improvements and better wellness. After all the mind and body are meant to work together, even if one can fight the other. I made my change this weekend, and am excited about my new experience.
If you are struggling with yourself on wellness, make a change, challenge yourself, take a first step in a new direction. Take a hike in a new park, ride your bike again, go to a climbing wall, do some yoga, learn orienteering, sign up for martial arts...just do something that you think isn't you. You may not like it, but you may love it. Either way, you will learn a little more about yourself, and a little more about being sanguine.