First Kiss

Tonight for the first time ever, my first kiss went to a woman other than my wife. Well she's under two feet tall, and weighs about eight pounds, but she was a sight for sore eyes after a long day back at work. Mom was a good second one too!

Best Week (and a half) Ever.

The was the best eleven days of my life. My beautiful wife and I welcomed our even more beautiful daughter into the world. I will spend a few more posts discussing the amazing week we've had. I am humbled by the experience. It was life changing to say the least, and I mean life changing. I simply cannot be the same person i was two weeks ago with this bundle of joy in my life. Every moment of every day I think of my little girl. I pray that I have the heart to raise a girl and always let her know Dad will always be her landing net. A wise friend of mine gave me a book with tips for fathers raining girls, the final page was foreign to me...I have way to much time for the other 377 pages...

Simply stated in this first post baby blog, I love my daughter, and I always will.

Napoleon

A small note to all folks in positions who have vendors, coworkers, peers that have to report to you. Be a professional, be a human. You can tell someone they need to improve their work without degrading. It never ceases to amaze me that small people in roles of any sort of power can love so much to berate instead of inspire a positive atmosphere. Being a jerk does not inspire the troops. Cutting people off who are trying to engage in progressive conversations just makes you sound more like an idiot. What do you do with yourself when you get home? How many times do you kick your dog?

OK, that's better. Just a minor vent. The new job is great, and this fella isn't one of us, we just had to survive him today on a conference call. One of my best coworkers said the vein in my head was fun to watch grow, so at least I could provide some entertainment! I can rest now.

:)

Monday, Monday

Monday, it is Monday of the most exciting, nerve wracking week in a long time. I’ve already posted my prayer for patience, and welcome any prayers you can spare. But this post goes out for my dear wife. I believe in her, and I know she has the strength to get through the next couple days, and weeks. For a woman, birth has to be one of the most, if not the most, harrowing experiences of her life. I know my wife has excitement, fear and joy for the upcoming days. She is a tough woman, and has persevered through her share of life lessons both good and bad and come out better for the experience. But, even the most confident, most prepared or most courageous person can have moments when they need support. J has prepared, studied, prayed and steeled herself for this week. The last 22 months have given her all the willpower and strength she needs to get this done. Not only has J prepared herself, but she has prepared me. I’ve read a couple books, spent time in the baby store learning about products, most of which I never knew existed. I have learned so much about J over the last two years. She will be a great Mother. I hope and pray that I can live up to her expectations over time. With pregnancies, the man has a purely supportive role, and I think I have done a good job at that. Now the rubber meets the road, with baby I’m not simply supportive, I am active. Finally, and thankfully, we are now at the point where we become responsible parents. Well, parents first, we will work to earn the responsible tag. There are no books on being responsible, well except for the Good Book. There are no “parent” police in the house to make sure you are a good parent. There is no way to plan for the midnight, tired, frazzled moments when you don’t know what to do with your child. In these times I will look to the toughness and perseverance that my wife has displayed as an example. I will try to remember how she handled this ordeal up to now, and do what needs done with love and humility. Next Monday will be different than any other, and I look forward to the fun!

Day for Fathers

Even though I have more than a few reasons to be called a father, today is an odd day for me. I have two Goddaughters, Erin and Molly, and I take my role with them very seriously. I also have Joseph, our little angel. But as folks in good spirit shook my hand, called and posted a Happy Fathers Day, I cannot fully accept it. I offer no disrespect to the three mentioned, but it's the one on the way that will fulfill this day in the future for me.

As I am days away from our first child, that we take home, I look around me for the examples I can follow. Many men have gone before me and done a great job, and a bad job. I want to do what is required to come out as one of the good ones. I am sure few, if any men go into this endeavor wanting to be the bad one. But want does it take to be the good one? Can I be as good, fair and loving as my Dad? Sure I love my wife, and I love my family, but this isn't enough. I pray that I will have what it takes, but prayer to be good is simply not enough either.

I pray for, and commit to work on, the following:

1. Patience. Patience for all the things my wife has to go through becoming a Mom. She is a beautiful person, and this road has been longer for her than one I could walk myself. I want to be there for her first, be the man she deserves, the man she can rely on, even when the baby is up in the middle of the night and we don't know what to do.

2. Patience. Patience for the little bundle that my heart pours joy for even now. I haven't met this child yet, but I know there will be difficult moments at the start. Crying, needing fed, and not being settled. I don't have the worlds longest fuse, and I don't work well when tired. I will need this patience when I am most susceptible, in the late hours. But, I also pray for patience for the next several decades. I know being not only a loving, but patient father will be needed over my child's lifetime. I know my parents patience was tested by me. I know I was difficult at times, but their patience has lasted 36 years so far, and now I can appreciate them even more during the approach to my becoming a father.

3. Patience. Patience for myself. I am my worst critic. I have been more difficult on myself than any other person possible. I know I will not do everything correct as a father. I'm sure, no father but the Father has been perfect. I don't plan on being the second. But, when I feel like I have failed, I need to be patient with myself.

These things I pray for, and will commit to this day. I look to my family, friends and wife for support. These tasks will not be easy, but I have not been more joyous to take on a challenge than I am right now.

Not far now Papa Smurf!

I can't help but write about the excitement I feel right now. In 12 days or so, my wife and I will have our baby, God willing. The sheer joy I felt on my drive in to work this morning was exhilarating. One note that crossed my mind is maintaining the joy. I know the baby will be a lot of work, and a lot of frustration. I just want to make sure I remember moments like now, a few weeks after the baby. I have no shortage of love for this kid, but I know the day to day of a first baby will be tough.

The wife and I often take a team approach to difficult things. Committing to talk first and be open about feeling so we don't get frustrated with each other. This will definitely come in to play with the baby. I'm not naive enough to think we can avoid some of the common trappings, but we should be able to give this baby our all, and become closer as a result!

Pictures

This past weekend was spent learning about things I knew very little about. My wife & I spent half the day Saturday in a breastfeeding class, and all day Sunday in a Lamaze/Child Birth class. In the middle of these classes we had baby shower. What a wonderful weekend of preparing for and celebrating the upcoming birth of our child. We still don’t know the sex, and will wait until this one comes down the chute to find out. I have to admit that my nerves are not relaxing as we approach the delivery date, but the nervousness is mixed in with joy and unbridled excitement. I cannot wait to meet this little one and pour every ounce of love upon the baby. I have visions of baby pictures, sleeping with baby on my shoulder, a cute picture with baby and our dog Ruby, all sorts of funny faces and pictures of baby resting on Mom’s chest. These will be our journal of the child’s life, great accompaniment to the memories we will cherish for this kid. All the worries seem to fade away when you just know you will do whatever it takes to take care of your child. Whatever parenting skills I don’t have, or knowledge I do not possess today, I know I will never stop going the extra mile. I do not believe these feeling to be unique to me either, I’m sure most conscientious parents do everything possible for their children.

Yesterday, I saw all of these memories for the child of a coworker. The pictures and videos we all want were on display on memory boards in a funeral home. I am at a new job, two months in, and a coworker I work with lost a daughter. His 14 year old daughter took her own life. I will not expand on any details of the reasoning in the young girls mind, for I did not know her, but the parenting aspect is difficult. As I waited in line at the calling hours, for over an hour to just get in, I witnessed such sadness. The faces of classmates, friends and family members were wrought with sadness. Picture after picture showed such a happy baby, young child and teenager. Beautiful family pictures, pictures of this girl at sports events, charity work, always such a pretty smile on. All the pictures I cannot wait to take for my child were on display throughout the hallways. I was overwhelmed with sadness. Leaving the why out of the equation, which will always be a question the family seeks an answer for, the how questions came to mind. How does a parent ever handle this? How do friends get over this loss? What can I do as a parent to prevent this sort of awful event from happening? Is there a way to avoid this from happening? I’m certain this girl was given all the love she could has been given by her family. The love was evident in all the memories on display, and on the faces of her Mom, Dad and older brother. They had the calling hours as a casual event, since that’s what she would want. Her casket was surrounded by soccer balls, a keepers jersey, band instruments, student of the month signs…everything. How does a parent notice any signs of this outcome in a child who seemingly lived a very full, happy American life? I normally do not like to pose question after question, but I have nothing but questions.

I’m sure the parents of this girl, sat in baby classes like my wife and I did this weekend. I’m sure they had wonderful generous gifts at baby showers from loving family and friends. I’m sure the parents promised to always take care of their baby, like we have. I just don’t have any answers for the outcome for this family. I’m certain they will never get over the loss, but instead just learn to live through the pain and memories. The only thing I can conclude is to treat each day as if it might be the last time you see a loved one. Treat each moment not like a picture opportunity, but as an opportunity to let those who you love know you love them. Don’t take time for granted. We have had this baby with us in utero for 34 weeks now, and I have loved the baby more every day. I want to be a good father, and know it will be work to earn that title, but I hope this experience will help me during times to come.