Chicken Wings

 

He buddy, thinking about you a lot over the weekend. Can't believe you would be driving now. Your sister is excited she may have her learners permit at the end of the year, time sure flies. 

On your birthday, your Mom and I went our for a fun lunch date. Oddly enough, and unplanned we ended up eating lunch right next to the hospital you were born in (your siblings too). This was bittersweet luck for us both. Who knew having some locally famous chicken wings could bring us right back to you on your birthday. But then again, I should not be surprised, it WAS you birthday after all, you always seem to say hello in your own way on that day.

Love to you from all four of us, keep looking out for us. 

Until we meet again, I always love you.

Dad

Losing You

 

Love and miss you every day JDM. 15 years is crazy, sometimes it feels like it was last week when we met you, and sometimes it feels like it was 30 years ago. I was talking with your sister about you the other day, and how without you we would not have them. That is a bittersweet thought. Glad you are there looking down and giving us support. I m not getting younger, but you will never leave my heart.

Losing it

by Rush

The dancer slows her frantic pace

In pain and desperation

Her aching limbs and downcast face

Aglow with perspiration

Stiff as wire, her lungs on fire

With just the briefest pause

The flooding through her memory

The echoes of old applause.

She limps across the floor

And closes her bedroom door...

The writer stare with glassy eyes

Defies the empty page

His beard is white, his face is lined

And streaked with tears of rage

Thirty years ago, how the words would flow

With passion and precision

But now his mind is dark and dulled

By sickness and indecision

And he stares out the kitchen door

Where the sun will rise no more

Some are born to move the world

To live their fantasies

But most of us just dream about

The things we'd like to be

Sadder still to watch it die

Than never to have known it

For you, the blind who once could see

The bell tolls for thee

The bell tolls for

For you the blind who once could see

The bell tolls for thee...

The bell tolls for thee...

Fourteen

 

Fourteen years ago, and it's Valentines day again, your birthday. I was driving to Home Depot this past Saturday to get some ear muffs for your Mom for a Monster Truck show that night with the kids. I also had to grab some items for your brother's Pinewood Derby, his last in Cub Scouts. On the way to the store, the Pearl Jam song Just Breathe came on, a live version. I have a strong emotional connection to you through this song, but I can listen to it nowadays without as strong a reaction as in the past. Well, that was not the case this day. I don't know if it was the live version, or that we were just a couple days from your birthday, but I was overwhelmed by the song. As I cried during the song, I had to sit and listen to you for a few minutes before I could walk in the store. I am sure the contractor that pulled in next to me wondered what was going on, probably not, but it was awkward. Thanks for saying hi, as I feel this was a little remnant of you reaching out the week of your birthday. Love and miss you JDM, wish we could have gotten to know each other better. Keep on looking out for us.

Never not a hard day.

 

Valentines Day, never not a hard day. You brother and sister are saying a small prayer for you today, and you know your mom and I will. You would be 13 today. Miss and love you, keep watch over us.

Aquarius

Not a day goes by that I don’t think about you buddy. I can’t believe you would have been 11 today. Not a day. But, with your brother and sister around, the days are easier. They pray for you and both wish they had you for a big brother. I think your sister wishes for a big bro most. Just today she said she would boss you around, lol! I couldn’t be the dad I am without you, and holding you in my hand. 

Happy birthday JDM. 

 

St. Joseph

Nine years. Nine years of wishing you were here buddy. I am blessed with a beautiful family, and having you as a guardian angel, but wish I could have known you. I hope you are up there making ML smile like your Brother did so many times. Couldn't end the day without saying hello, you've been on my mind a lot recently, but that's February. Love you JDM, Dad.

Start Now

Start Now.

Really a simple phrase. I've been stalling on my blog for a while now, and need to re-commit. I like the exercise of writing, and want to begin anew. I think weekly thoughts and musings would be a great start. Look out for a little more.

Time

I listened to Time by Pink Floyd the other day, from their seminal album Dark Side of the Moon. I am a big Floyd fan, but hadn't listened to this album in a while. As a kid, the song meant less to me than now that I am older, married with kids and maybe half way through my career. So the songs theme has been ticking away in the back of my brain for a few weeks. It's a great song, some excerpts below, but really just go listen.

A buddy of mine had posted an older video of his daughter, and he mentioned how he missed his kids when they were that small. That same day I took my daughter on a daddy-daughter date. We went to a mall, took some funny photo booth pics, she played in the play area, and jumped on the bungee cord trampoline thing. then we went to dinner and called it a night. Now the play area was filled with mostly toddlers, and it's really meant for that age. My almost 7 yo girl really wanted to play in there, but I told her "come on, this is for little kids." No matter, she gave me the "but Daaaad" eyes, and I let her play for a while. I sat there and just stared at my girl tower over smaller kids, and be really too big for all the stuff, but she was having a blast. Suddenly it hit me, these days are numbered.

Time is moving so fast with my kids. My daughter seems older than she is, and we tend to forget she's not yet 7. I want to sit and watch her be a little kid as long as I can. I want to play with her while she wants to as much as possible. I want to enjoy every moment of her growing up. I know that one day she'll be a teen, and then one day gone. There are a lot of days between now and then, and I want to focus on each one we have together more closely.

While my daughter was climbing over play sets, with one leg sweep, I laughed and let her be a little kid. When she wanted to take funny pictures, we did. When I showed her the bungee jumping thing, she was a strong "no Dad, that is too scary." I didn't push, she truly looked scared of the whole idea. But, we walked past it a couple times while shopping. Once we were both ready to head out of the mall for dinner, unprovoked, she turns to me and says "Dad, I want to go back do that jumping thing," and I said" are you sure?" to which she replied, "it's a little scary, but I think I can do it." Of course as soon as she was strapped in, she loved it, and wanted to do it again. She told me on the drive home when I asked her why she decided to try the bungee jump "sometimes things look scary at first Dad, but if I see them once or twice, I can be brave enough to try it." Love. This. kid.

Time is ticking away, and you will never seem to have enough. In one hour I saw my daughter want to play on a toddler play set, and also find the courage to decide to try something new and pretty scary for a 6 yo. I couldn't have been more proud of both sides of my daughter. I love seeing her grow, learn, become confident, and still be a little kid. Either way I loved our date.  I'll walk with her, holding her hand, for every second I can.

Excerpt from Time, by Pink Floyd.

Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day

Fritter and waste the hours in an off-hand way

Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town

Waiting for someone or something to show you the way

Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain

You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today

And then one day you find ten years have got behind you

No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun

And you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking

Racing around to come up behind you again

The sun is the same in a relative way, but you're older

Shorter of breath and one day closer to death

Every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time

Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines

Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way

The time is gone, the song is over, thought I'd something more to say

Surprise!

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it."
-Ferris Bueller

Live does move pretty fast. If you think of a second of your day, each one represents a larger chunk of your life remaining, every second become literally more important. The picture above has no really deep meaning, but when I cracked that double open, I thought, "hmm, I didn't expect that." I then waxed philosophical about my 2-3 egg meal for a moment, then went back to prepping my breakfast. No big deal. It did make me think about how surprising life can be.

This week our family lost a member who was a daughter, sister, cousin, mom & grandma. My heart breaks for those closest to her, and those that are left behind. Eight years ago we lost our first boy JDM. I cannot believe eight years has passed. The speed of time is mainly due to the blessing of a couple kiddos since then. These two kids have given us a fresh look at life, and really been a joy. Even when they won't get out of bed for school, and complain about getting dressed, brushing teeth, etc.

So how do you get over a loss? You don't. I will never forget holding my son, never. Eight years later and I still have moments of deep sorrow, albeit less often. We are part of a club, one no one wants to belong to, but plenty of folks do. In the last year I have been able to talk with a few people dealing with similar situations. I never know what to say, but I am just open and honest about how hard it was. All you can attempt to do is own the feelings, talk to those closest to you, and not bottle up what you are going through. JDM's birthday has forever tainted Valentine's day, his birthday. But we have been abe to have dates on VDay again, have fun prepping VDay stuff for the kids classes, and recognize JDM's bday a little.

So life has come at us fast, and we have done our best to keep up. We are not perfect, but we work on it every day. With each other, and a little Grace from God, we'll maximize every second we have. Happy Birthday JDM, I love you, we wish we could have known you, you would have loved your sister and brother. They would have loved you.

Gratitude

Lately I have spent a good deal of time focusing on gratitude. In a world full of schedules, instant access, unhappiness, politics, deadlines and challenges one can never stop and take time to be in gratitude. Gratitude is not simply being positive, or happy, but being truly in the moment and thankful for the just that moment. Like the pull tab sign in the picture above, do you need gratitude?

Recently I was at a brief talk given by Steve from the Life Is Good company. He spoke about the age old, and fairly tired, "is the glass half full, or empty?" question. He said the optimistic person is thankful that there is water in the glass at all, and thinking about how they could fill it for more people. This is a very gratitude focused mentality. Do not worry about the state of the water, be glad you have some, and work to fill the glass for more people.

If you are working toward being the best version of yourself, you need to practice optimism and gratitude. Also from Life Is Good Steve, "Optimism and Abs are both improved with exercise." This is a poignant phrase, being in gratitude does not mean you are happy every moment of every day, or never upset at things. But when exercising optimism and gratitude often, you can realign to the path quicker to become the best version of yourself.

Connect

How do you communicate?

Communication often comes up when organizations perform analysis of weakness within their group. I have seems this over and over at work, in volunteer groups, with friends and within families. Human communicate to others every second of every day they are near other folks. Whether by verbal or body language you are talking loud and clear. While I do not claim to have the answer to great communication, I do know you will be more successful if you connect.

"Go beyond merely communicating, to connecting with people." Jerry Bruckner 

This is a pretty solid point. Are you just talking, or are you connecting with your audience? Often I have to work on listening, really listening. Sometimes I have the direction I want to head in a conversation in mind, and that blocks me from listening to what my audience is trying to get a cross. When you listen, you open a two way door, that allows both parties to participate in the discussion.

Focus on the person, focus on listening, think before you speak, think about what you say. Get your point across, but make sure you know and believe the other person is requires for connection. Without connecting, you are really not communicating.

Sanguine

Make me sanguine.

The Avett Brothers have a song called Sanguine. I must admit I had to look the word up the first time I heard the song. There is a poignant excerpt from the beginning of the tune, that resonates with change in your life, and deciding to be the best version of yourself.

Make me sanguine

Help me genuinely

Kill the doubt that strangles myself worth

Paint the picture that I swore I heard

Spiritless and mean

Ghost that comes between

I will keep my wits about myself

Disregard directions sent from hell

When you make changes to yourself, and all that entails, you will have a fight. A fight against doubt, a fight against past experiences, a fight against time, a fight against outside influences, a fight against the unknown. I have had several major changes to myself over the last five years, some of which are documented in this very blog. Recently I have struggled to have the same fire and motivation I mined to chisel out a new self. The daily grind can overwhelm you if you are not looking out for signs of stagnation. I was in one of these river eddies. I hadn't realized that I wasn't looking at the flow of The River, but looking only down in the eddy.

Stepping outside your comfort zone is a big part of keeping fresh and sharp. I really enjoy running, I love the solitude, and thinking time. Running is a time when I can space out, or think through challenges. Over the last several months, I logged a lot of junk miles. Not taking the mental space I needed during the runs, not focusing on pace, tempo, breathing, thinking or anything really, just logging mile for the sake of logging miles. My pace degraded, and I began to have old injuries nag here and there. I knew I needed to shake things up. I just needed the fortitude to pick something new, and move forward. I needed to Go Big, stop worrying about my running, and do something that would re-engage me, put me over the top, fast track my brain and body to improvements and better wellness. After all the mind and body are meant to work together, even if one can fight the other. I made my change this weekend, and am excited about my new experience. 

If you are struggling with yourself on wellness, make a change, challenge yourself, take a first step in a new direction. Take a hike in a new park, ride your bike again, go to a climbing wall, do some yoga, learn orienteering, sign up for martial arts...just do something that you think isn't you. You may not like it, but you may love it. Either way, you will learn a little more about yourself, and a little more about being sanguine.

Susannah

Song of Susannah

Dark Tower Book VI by Stephen King

"In the land of memory the time is always Now.

In the Kingdom of Ago, the clocks tick...but their hands never move.

There is an Unfound Door (oh lost) and memory is the key which opens it."

Reading this book, and loved this quote, just wanted to share it.

Change

I have watched a bunch of interesting documentaries lately. Some were discussed in my last blog post. Two docs on health that really made an impact on me were Fed Up and Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead (FSND). I have made very big health improvements over the last four years, but the work is ongoing. In 2016 I ran more miles than I have run in any year of my entire life, but I experienced the least amount of healthy change in the last 4 years. I knew the whole year that my diet was the issue. People often commented that since I was now working so hard to be healthy, that eating well must be easy. No so.

The first FSND doc had a really inspiring tale of a guy named Phil. He really was inspirational in the changes he made in his life. Recently, I watched the FSND part 2, and I saw that Phil did well for a few years, but really fell back into old ways. This was hard to see. He worked to determine the reasons he fell back into bad habits. He determined that he had no support network, to help him along the way. I tend to agree.

With running and working out, I have a bunch of folks that I talk with, look up to and challenge me. Not so much on the food side. I would be even worse off if my wife were not working so hard for the family to eat well. If you are looking to make any change, cleaning the house, eating better, walking more, drinking less coffee...find a partner or a source of support. Change can be great, just do not try to do it alone. 

Wealth

What is wealth?

Recently I have read (listened) to a book about tidying up; The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo. The book was a free offering on Audible, and I need to get rid of some stuff, so I gave it a listen. Oddly enough, my wife bought this book a year ago, and I apparently dismissed the notion of a book on cleaning up. I have also been on a Netflix documentary binge, with docs varying from health, religion, wire walking, internet freedom, addiction, the 13th amendment, disappearing glaciers, and...a random selection called Minimalism: .

The documentary Minimalism paired quite well with some of the concepts of the tidying up book. These two experiences have really pushed the question of what is wealth? Is it my income, the things I own, the things I want, great kids, a solid fun marriage, or all these things. What is an identity? The things you own or the achievements in life. What is enough?

I do not have these answers, and won't be moving into a "tiny house" in the near future, but I will take a look about what the important things are to me. I can also make certain that I am being a bit more deliberate in how I spend my resources, financial, spacial, spiritual, human and temporal on the important things. Making an impact on people, being genuine, investing in our society and being a great loving family should be where I make an impact. I don't need hundreds of books I will never re-read, 100 t-shirts, nick-knacks from my life or and other superfluous stuff to be wealthy. This will take some time, but I am on a path.

Take a few minutes to look around your space today, how much of what you see brings you joy and makes you wealthy?

Poetry Book

You never know when someone is going to surprise you with a touching comment, a kind remark or a simple hello when you need one. As my daughter grows up, she's five now, I am continually amazed how fast she is learning, understanding how to be kind and in particular remembering things. OK, she's not always kind to baby brother, but she tries. This is something almost every parent enjoys seeing as their kids grow. I was really stunned the other day at my daughter, she blew me away.

Earlier in the week we were talking about her homework and her school. The conversation was very typical, how was your day, what did you learn, did you have music or art today, etc. Then she tells me about a book she is working on in class, she called it her poetry book.  I think it's more of an art journal, but that is not the critical element here. My daughter told me she had a page with a spot for all six of our family members. Our house has two kids and two parents. If she said five, I would have immediately assumed she added our dog, a true member of the family. I asked her why six?

This is when my daughter told me she had a spot for Mom, Dad, herself, Brother, the dog, and "Baby Joe who didn't make it." She wanted a spot for him so he wasn't alone, and he would know she loves him. Joe was our first child who did not survive his birth. We have prayed at bedtime for "baby Joe" from time to time with the kids, but they never really inquired much. My daughter said it would be cool to have a big brother, and wishes he would have made it. This entire conversation I am holding back my tears, and hugging my daughter. What a sweet sentiment from a child. Who knew the baby Joe prayers were making such an impression on her. Any time a moment like this has happened in the last six years, I feel like it is a little hello from Joe. So nice to hear it from his sister.

Family

My Mom on (L) with 3 of her 4 siblings and parents.

Recently I went through a case of my Dad's slides, some of which I think were given to him from my Mom's family. I can't help at feeling how little things change from generation to generation. While the world moves on, things change, the family function doesn't. I look through these old pics, all from before my parents married, and it all looks so familiar. Folks sharing meals, laughing, celebrating, playing with new babies and so on. The faces even look so similar it is like we have relived out ancestors lives to a certain extent. I have some of the same pictures of me playing with the grandchildren and great grandchildren of the people in the photos, decades later, heck half a century for some the pictures.

Nalley breakfast in Mill Creek Park

I would have loved to know my Dad's Dad, and known my Mom's Dad as an adult or even as a young man. I would have loved to be a fly on the wall for some of the family gatherings. I never knew my Mom's family had a regular breakfast in Mill Creek Park. I can just imagine what was going on in these pics, the smiles, eyes, smirks, straight faces really tell a tale of personalities.

Mom & Dad's first apartment, I think.

 What keeps the family together? People do. Being a close family is the responsibility of all the members. My Mom was the gravitational center of ours, always making sure the family was the center of everything we did. The long term result is the my generation stays as close as we can even though we live all over the country. I am tankful for a close family, I have one Brother, but feel as if I have dozens of Brothers and Sisters across the country, we see each other that way.

Grandma & Grandpa McD

If you are lucky enough to have a family, make sure you call one of them today, not tomorrow. You never know how long you will have with your family members. Don'y text or email them, call them. Talk to them even if for a couple minutes. You will impact their day and strengthen your family. I will be making some calls today.

Last Day, New Day

This morning I took my daughter to her last day at daycare. I know I am not the first parent ever to prepare to send your first kid to school, but it was a moment. She is so ready for her next step to Kindergarten it is silly. But Dad is not as ready as red. When I woke up to Conor crawling on me with all his stuffed animals and a car, I knew it would be a fun day.

I am sure Cora will have a great last day, her teacher told me she has been so excited to start school. I know she has some nerves, but she will do great Friday. The first crack in her excitement was two weekends ago at Target buying school supplies. She did not want to go with Jenn to pick her stuff out. I asked what was wrong and she said, "I'm scared Daddy, I have never been in that school before, I have only been in one building my whole life." She was referring to her daycare. I think this is a great reflection on the quality of teachers at Creative in Twinsburg. We have been blessed to have great men and women at our daycare, that our kids have really loved. I told Cora it was normal to be excited and a little scared, all great adventures start out with the unknown.

This morning when we walked into the building, I asked Cora to not run off, and hold my hand on the way in. She did, I think she knew I needed it a little more than her. This is a truly excited next phase for parenting, school, more activities, more homework and new things to learn for all of us. What was really sweet this morning was from the picture above. When we walked Conor to his room, Cora gave him a hug and said "I'll miss going to daycare with you Conor." This hit me in the feels. These two love each other so much, they are really best buds. They may make each other crazy, but they cannot stand being apart long.  For the next 10 years, these two will not be in the same school building.

While the day Friday will be Cora's, and I cannot wait to hear about her first day, little brother has a new day too. He will be without his sister for the first time. I know the feeling, I wasn't in the same building with my brother for our entire elementary and high school. We had one year of college together at Youngstown State when I was a Freshman. The next time C&C are in the same building Cora will be a Junior and Conor a Freshman in High School. Wow.

OK, that's getting a bit ahead.

Tomorrow will be a fun day. Drop Conor off at daycare, for the first time by himself. He'll do great. Then take Cora to Kindergarten so she can start her adventure! We plan on making the drop off fairly quick, to make the transition easier on Cora (and us). Then Jenn & I are off for a small breakfast, to fend off the feels. 

It may be a cliché, but don't blink with your kids. Time will fly. They will grow. You will have a blast. But one day they will walk on their own, and all you can do is hope you prepared them to be the best they can in life.

Hey Bud

Gardening is just not my thing. This goes against all the time my Mom spent sharing her craft and taking tender care of beautiful flower beds growing up. I just never caught interest in the hobby, sorry Mom. I appreciate a beautiful plant or flower bed, but just never liked keeping them myself.

The Gardenia pictured above is a different story. Six years ago, my wife and I met and lost our first child after a mid-term birth. Joseph has left an indelible mark upon our hearts. Over the years, and welcoming our two kids, the pain has been less prevalent, but it never entirely goes away. This time of year is especially hard since Joseph was born on Valentines Day. Years passed before Jenn and I could even go on a date for Valentines day, our first was just last year. 

My coworkers at the time sent this Gardenia plant home to Jenn & I with a card of prayer and condolences. Jenn and I call this our "Joe" plant. I have kept this guy going for 6 years, more than any other plant ever for me. Initially it bloomed flowers "white as snow" many times. Over time the blooms stopped and the plant was just getting by. Sensing the location in our house was not right for a Gardenia, I brought it to my work, where it has a nice perch upon which to stand, and received the right amount of sunlight to thrive again. Since the location change, I have had to prune the plant several times since it gets so big. I was pleasantly surprised last year when, after several years of bloom dormancy, a few buds popped and bloomed. It felt like Joseph was saying hello.

Since that time a bloom pops now and again, and it makes me happy to see that I kept one plant going. What touched my heart this week is the a new bud just popped up in time for Valentines Day. This bud it pictured above, just squeaking out and saying hello. Over the last few years you can see my Valentines posts share the same theme. This has been a time for me to get thoughts out and expressed, and helped me deal with the loss and assess what it means to me today. I have not been writing in my blog as much as I want over the last few months, and Valentines Day really crept up this year. When I saw this bud pop, I stopped what I was doing and smiled and shed a tear. I know somewhere Joseph is looking over us and his brother and sister. 

I miss you buddy, I wish we could have got the chance to know each other. You would love your siblings.  Thanks for blooming this week and we pray for you every day bud. I hope I am honoring your memory by being the best Dad I can be. 

Success or Failure

Well the last three months of 2015 were spent being fairly inactive for a couple legitimate reasons and a few lazy ones. My diet followed my effort, low quality, and I put on a few too many pounds. I am on the road back now, but it is amazing how much a few slow months can set you back.

Recently, I was watching a documentary on the Philmont Boy Scout Ranch. This is an amazing part of the Rocky Mountains set aside for Scouts in New Mexico to hike and adventure. During the program this quote came across the screen. A good point for any kind of journey you are on, physical or emotional. A lot of new years resolutions come and go, but folks with strong character will move on. Whether you are currently a success or failure on your journey does not matter, only that you take the next step forward.