Fourteen

 

Fourteen years ago, and it's Valentines day again, your birthday. I was driving to Home Depot this past Saturday to get some ear muffs for your Mom for a Monster Truck show that night with the kids. I also had to grab some items for your brother's Pinewood Derby, his last in Cub Scouts. On the way to the store, the Pearl Jam song Just Breathe came on, a live version. I have a strong emotional connection to you through this song, but I can listen to it nowadays without as strong a reaction as in the past. Well, that was not the case this day. I don't know if it was the live version, or that we were just a couple days from your birthday, but I was overwhelmed by the song. As I cried during the song, I had to sit and listen to you for a few minutes before I could walk in the store. I am sure the contractor that pulled in next to me wondered what was going on, probably not, but it was awkward. Thanks for saying hi, as I feel this was a little remnant of you reaching out the week of your birthday. Love and miss you JDM, wish we could have gotten to know each other better. Keep on looking out for us.

Never not a hard day.

 

Valentines Day, never not a hard day. You brother and sister are saying a small prayer for you today, and you know your mom and I will. You would be 13 today. Miss and love you, keep watch over us.

Aquarius

Not a day goes by that I don’t think about you buddy. I can’t believe you would have been 11 today. Not a day. But, with your brother and sister around, the days are easier. They pray for you and both wish they had you for a big brother. I think your sister wishes for a big bro most. Just today she said she would boss you around, lol! I couldn’t be the dad I am without you, and holding you in my hand. 

Happy birthday JDM. 

 

St. Joseph

Nine years. Nine years of wishing you were here buddy. I am blessed with a beautiful family, and having you as a guardian angel, but wish I could have known you. I hope you are up there making ML smile like your Brother did so many times. Couldn't end the day without saying hello, you've been on my mind a lot recently, but that's February. Love you JDM, Dad.

Start Now

Start Now.

Really a simple phrase. I've been stalling on my blog for a while now, and need to re-commit. I like the exercise of writing, and want to begin anew. I think weekly thoughts and musings would be a great start. Look out for a little more.

Time

I listened to Time by Pink Floyd the other day, from their seminal album Dark Side of the Moon. I am a big Floyd fan, but hadn't listened to this album in a while. As a kid, the song meant less to me than now that I am older, married with kids and maybe half way through my career. So the songs theme has been ticking away in the back of my brain for a few weeks. It's a great song, some excerpts below, but really just go listen.

A buddy of mine had posted an older video of his daughter, and he mentioned how he missed his kids when they were that small. That same day I took my daughter on a daddy-daughter date. We went to a mall, took some funny photo booth pics, she played in the play area, and jumped on the bungee cord trampoline thing. then we went to dinner and called it a night. Now the play area was filled with mostly toddlers, and it's really meant for that age. My almost 7 yo girl really wanted to play in there, but I told her "come on, this is for little kids." No matter, she gave me the "but Daaaad" eyes, and I let her play for a while. I sat there and just stared at my girl tower over smaller kids, and be really too big for all the stuff, but she was having a blast. Suddenly it hit me, these days are numbered.

Time is moving so fast with my kids. My daughter seems older than she is, and we tend to forget she's not yet 7. I want to sit and watch her be a little kid as long as I can. I want to play with her while she wants to as much as possible. I want to enjoy every moment of her growing up. I know that one day she'll be a teen, and then one day gone. There are a lot of days between now and then, and I want to focus on each one we have together more closely.

While my daughter was climbing over play sets, with one leg sweep, I laughed and let her be a little kid. When she wanted to take funny pictures, we did. When I showed her the bungee jumping thing, she was a strong "no Dad, that is too scary." I didn't push, she truly looked scared of the whole idea. But, we walked past it a couple times while shopping. Once we were both ready to head out of the mall for dinner, unprovoked, she turns to me and says "Dad, I want to go back do that jumping thing," and I said" are you sure?" to which she replied, "it's a little scary, but I think I can do it." Of course as soon as she was strapped in, she loved it, and wanted to do it again. She told me on the drive home when I asked her why she decided to try the bungee jump "sometimes things look scary at first Dad, but if I see them once or twice, I can be brave enough to try it." Love. This. kid.

Time is ticking away, and you will never seem to have enough. In one hour I saw my daughter want to play on a toddler play set, and also find the courage to decide to try something new and pretty scary for a 6 yo. I couldn't have been more proud of both sides of my daughter. I love seeing her grow, learn, become confident, and still be a little kid. Either way I loved our date.  I'll walk with her, holding her hand, for every second I can.

Excerpt from Time, by Pink Floyd.

Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day

Fritter and waste the hours in an off-hand way

Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town

Waiting for someone or something to show you the way

Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain

You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today

And then one day you find ten years have got behind you

No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun

And you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking

Racing around to come up behind you again

The sun is the same in a relative way, but you're older

Shorter of breath and one day closer to death

Every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time

Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines

Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way

The time is gone, the song is over, thought I'd something more to say

Surprise!

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it."
-Ferris Bueller

Live does move pretty fast. If you think of a second of your day, each one represents a larger chunk of your life remaining, every second become literally more important. The picture above has no really deep meaning, but when I cracked that double open, I thought, "hmm, I didn't expect that." I then waxed philosophical about my 2-3 egg meal for a moment, then went back to prepping my breakfast. No big deal. It did make me think about how surprising life can be.

This week our family lost a member who was a daughter, sister, cousin, mom & grandma. My heart breaks for those closest to her, and those that are left behind. Eight years ago we lost our first boy JDM. I cannot believe eight years has passed. The speed of time is mainly due to the blessing of a couple kiddos since then. These two kids have given us a fresh look at life, and really been a joy. Even when they won't get out of bed for school, and complain about getting dressed, brushing teeth, etc.

So how do you get over a loss? You don't. I will never forget holding my son, never. Eight years later and I still have moments of deep sorrow, albeit less often. We are part of a club, one no one wants to belong to, but plenty of folks do. In the last year I have been able to talk with a few people dealing with similar situations. I never know what to say, but I am just open and honest about how hard it was. All you can attempt to do is own the feelings, talk to those closest to you, and not bottle up what you are going through. JDM's birthday has forever tainted Valentine's day, his birthday. But we have been abe to have dates on VDay again, have fun prepping VDay stuff for the kids classes, and recognize JDM's bday a little.

So life has come at us fast, and we have done our best to keep up. We are not perfect, but we work on it every day. With each other, and a little Grace from God, we'll maximize every second we have. Happy Birthday JDM, I love you, we wish we could have known you, you would have loved your sister and brother. They would have loved you.